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When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom. Multi-million dollar deals. Endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking canon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm. But a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain't no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion.
— Kenny Powers 
I got to tell you, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad, but turns out they're nothing compared to these fags you got in San Francisco.
— Kenny Powers 
I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising. Fuck this guy.
— Kenny Powers 
Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism.
— Kenny Powers 
Listen here you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.
— Kenny Powers 
I've been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.
— Kenny Powers 
Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball; I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So, that is why I'm better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.
— Kenny Powers 
People say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That's not true. I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em. Not even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.
— Kenny Powers 
I'm sick and tired for carrying all the weight... the coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win. Atlanta, you're fucking out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Let's find a bar and get shit-faced. Get me paid, Bitch! Superstar!
— Kenny Powers 
I like to butt fuck fine ladies. Will I chokehold a bitch, well maybe.
— Kenny Powers 
Honey, I love you. I think you're a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead.
— Kenny Powers 
You boys ever tag team anybody? Beat up any kids in your neighborhood? When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers that used to live down the street from us. Hilarious. I mean, this guy was the most ruthless one. Now, I'm sitting here, he's got a family. He's got a nice shirt on. Mongoloid Mike? Is that what you used to call him? Bust his head open with a stick? Remember that?
— Kenny Powers 
No, babe, rehab. No, I didn't hurt myself. Oh, ok. Yeah, I hurt myself. I hurt my nose.
— Kenny Powers 
Y'all named your daughter after fucking Titanic? Wow. You've got to be shitting me. What's his name? Fucking Shrek? No, huh?
— Kenny Powers 
I got two hard rules I live by, Pop: I don't fuck with the devil and I never do tag-teams with blood relatives.
— Kenny Powers 
This is a real job, it's not like teaching kids. I can't get fucked up.
— Kenny Powers 
Well, it's no mystery that ass has always been tits greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.
— Kenny Powers 
A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant star. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.
— Kenny Powers 
This is me every night dude, just staring at buttholes and getting a buzz on.
— Kenny Powers 
Alright, so let me get this straight. So I'm gonna pay for a blow job, and I gotta pay for a goddamned hotel room too? Well that seems like I'm spending too much money for nothin'. I got a house. You can just get your ass over here and I could just do the blow job here. And can I wear the 'SCREAM' mask? The mask from 'SCREAM'... when I do you from behind. Hello? Hey!
— Kenny Powers 
Just like that, the journey is over. Depression is finished and you're on your way back to the world of the living, smiling, regular people. The road has been paved with dick-heads, back-stabbers, and pains in the fucking ass. But, memories were made, allies were had, pole-smokers were toppled, and the truth was discovered. And like any journey, if you stay the course long enough, the road might just show you what you need. All you got to do is keep your eyes on the road and you foot on the fucking gas.
— Kenny Powers 
Don't get all excited, dude. 3D is gay. Nobody wants to sit on a couch, wearing glasses, popping bubbles out of the air like some sorta fucked up Ray Charles. Oh, you like 3D? Well here's a burrito, coming right at ya!
— Kenny Powers 
Oh, what do I know? I know that one of us had their own personal stylist and one of us shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug. That's what I know.
— Kenny Powers 
Her son? You came out of her vagina? I was all up in that shit last night!
— Kenny Powers 
Did you hurt my feelings? Yes, you did. I will give you that victory. But the one victory you will not have is the most important. I'll admit, that sweet tailpipe of yours did have me charmed. It put a spell on me. But all the ass-magic in Mexico can't change Kenny Powers from his core beliefs. Not an ass man. I'm a tit man. I like big ass boobs. Now, and forever. I'm not like a black guy, Vida.
— Kenny Powers