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Kenny Powers Quotes from Season 2 of Eastbound and Down (90 quotes)
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Kenny Powers Quotes from Season 2

Maybe. Maybe we will cut this motherfucker's balls off. He will titty-titty bang-bang you. He will fucking cut your tits off right here.
— Kenny Powers 
Charge who? Honestly, I can't even believe that you would look at me and the word 'gringo' would even come to mind. Does it make your life easier just to throw a quick racist term at somebody? A man who has seen the things I have seen, experienced the loss and pain that I've experienced. I transcend race, hombre.
— Kenny Powers 
A word of advice: Next time you want to bet on my cock, you'd better bring some fucking pesos. Got it ese?
— Kenny Powers 
This is me now. A man haunted by the sacrifices he's had to make. A man who ran and never looked back. A man who drank his ass all the way down to the butthole of America. I left my country to begin a new life. One where I could finally blend with those I was living amongst, become another face in the crowd. Soon, I was embraced by the natives. The wild landscape became my mistress. The wild women, my my come-caves. Soon enough, I felt like an entirely new person. But truthfully, sometimes I did wonder about them, about how they deal with the holes, the agonies, the darknesses that no doubt fell upon them when I rode off into the sunset and then took that sunset with me. Do they even remember what it's like to have hope? Did they forget how to close their eyes and dream? Did they discover that without me, they may as well not even exist? And although it makes me kinda sad, I know this savage land was made for me. It's where outlaws go to die, and as that day nears, I take comfort in knowing that the lives of those I left behind are better off without me.
— Kenny Powers 
Let me make this real clear Catoue, if there is one thing in this world I cannot stand, it is fuckin' soccer, all right? And I hate when people do it around me. Please, hop off my moped, please, that is a very expensive vehicle.
— Kenny Powers 
Yeah, looks like she's cooking seared titty for someone right now. Man, I feel like this is some National Geographic shit.
— Kenny Powers 
I appreciate the offer, but I'm not into bonding with new people down here, all right? I already got a family. I don't need the fucked up version of the original. Your wife's titty does look beautiful though.
— Kenny Powers 
And in addition to all that other stuff, Kenny Powers still does not like children.
— Kenny Powers 
This little son-of-a-bitch here is probably the best sidekick I've ever had. He's beating you, Hector. He is whooping your ass as a sidekick. No, not fucking thumbs up! Don't you ever want to fucking win? Do you wanna win? Do you ever wanna jerk off?
— Kenny Powers 
Hector will have whatever Aaron's having, only not as good.
— Kenny Powers 
You just like to hit it and quit it, huh? That's how you roll?
— Kenny Powers 
Look at the goddamn sax player from Lost Boys out here tying to rub the goddamn language barrier in my face.
— Kenny Powers 
Sure. Just a tourist who's lost who might whip somebody's ass if they keep trying to isolate me from conversations. Peace.
— Kenny Powers 
You don't want an AIDS zebra picture. You want a clean zebra picture!
— Kenny Powers 
Nice game, dicksuckers.
— Kenny Powers 
Oh yeah. Kenny Powers does have famous hair, doesn't he. Yeah, but this ain't his hair. This is Steve's hair. Steve the cock fighter. Yeah, I'm a fucking cock fighter, not a ballplayer. Not, not.. I've never been a ballplayer, ever before.
— Kenny Powers 
Big Red, you were a good cock. You made us a lot of money. My you find the peace in death that you so longed for in life. I'm sorry about the way things turned out... sorry about they way a lot of things turned out. See ya in hell, hombre.
— Kenny Powers 
You don't like me? Well you're the one with a fucking disability. It should be me not liking you, and yet I accept you. And you do this to me? Man, fuck you, you midget. I'm taking the fucking cocks.
— Kenny Powers 
In Mexico, a man can truly get lost. And, if you're a bank robber, or maybe someone who's committed a fucked up, crazy crime, then that's a good thing. But hiding takes it's toll. At first you don't realize it but, soon the identity that you tried to shed starts getting pissed and knocking at your insides. You know, when dealing with deep depression and sad shit, it's cool to pretend like nothing is wrong. That, sometimes, works. But, eventually, you got to call a goddamn spade a spade and be like , 'Yo, I'm fucked up and I got to make a change.'
— Kenny Powers 
Sometimes you've got to wash aways the paint and reveal to the world the jackass that is hiding beneath.
— Kenny Powers 
Sometimes, you just gotta get back in the fucking game.
— Kenny Powers 
I know a lot of you guys have seen me around town, going 'Hey, there's Steve, the new guy, running shit, the cock fighter.' Well, I have a confession to make. My name's not Steve. And, I'm not a cock fighter. I'm a ballplayer. And, not just any ballplayer... I'm Kenny fucking Powers, and I reveal myself to you all, here, upon this field. Behold! It's my rookie card. That's me on the front. Y'all want to just pass this around. So you can just see it. I'm gonna need to get it back though. You know, I see the look on your faces. You're thinking, 'Hey Kenny, you're from America; you probably have a printer. You could have just gone on the internet and printed that bitch.' Yeah, you know what? I could have, 'cept for one fact: I don't own a printer. And, I fucking hate computers. All kinds. I come here today, not just to bash on fucking technology, but to offer you all a proposition. Let's face it, y'all fucking suck. Don't get your feelings hurt, alright? Don't get sensitive on me here. I fucking suck too right now. I am in the darkest, third world hole that I've ever been in in my entire life, about a thousand, hundred, million miles from where I should be. And, the only way for me to get back there, is for us to join forces. If we can make enough noise down here, then just maybe, everyone in America will hear us. Everyone will. And they will all know, that Kenny Powers is, in fact, the Christ figure that they perceive me to be. So, if you all don't believe my words, then perhaps you'll believe this... Anyone have a ball? El ball-o? Wheew! Oh, ok. I got it. Behold this, boys. Try and fucking doubt this, alright?
— Kenny Powers 
Over the course of my career, I played on many different teams. Some, I liked. Some, I really fucking hated. I'm not mentioning any names, but let's just say Seattle can tongue-kiss my shithole. The best way to get a new team on your side is to trash the last team you played for. Talk shit about how their fans suck and their women have pancake titties. And if that doesn't work, then just like prison, you pick the biggest, baddest dude on the team and you kick him in his fucking teeth.
— Kenny Powers 
Boom! A strike. Strikeout! Hey buddy, don't beat yourself up there, you pretty much had the entire force of God coming at ya.
— Kenny Powers 
You can save our pep talk for somebody who needs it. I got this come-back locked down tight, like a little girl's tuna. This is totally locked down tight, like a girl's private parts, who's small. Locker room talk, baby.
— Kenny Powers 
You luring me into a rape or something? What is this?
— Kenny Powers 
Not bad. This is one hell of a pussy palace, huh? Lotta marbles and architectures and shit. Flying buttresses. Lot of original artworks. Impressive.
— Kenny Powers 
How much, exactly, does it cost to buy a Mexican baseball team? $10 and a burrito?
— Kenny Powers 
I'm also an orphan. My dad ran out on me when I was just a kid. All he left was a batch of hepatitis on the toilet seat.
— Kenny Powers 
I basically want this shit to have the pageantry of like a goddamn Alabama concert. I'm talking about fireworks, smoke-bombs, laser beams, moon walks. You know how your people lit up the Alamo? That's the shit I'm talking about.
— Kenny Powers 
I don't know, I think he shot himself in his leg.
— Kenny Powers 
Now, this friday night, I guarantee you it's gonna be the biggest goddamn comeback celebration any y'all have ever seen. There's going to be people cheering and screaming and spotlights and fireworks. I wouldn't even doubt if there's a couple chicks showing their fucking pussies off. How do you say pussy in spanish? Panocha? I wouldn't doubt if some of the muchachas show their panochas off. They might show their panochas off. They might be waving their panochas all over the place. What I don't want to happen, is to be looking around when everybody's fucking screaming and cheering and celebrating me, and see all my teammates pouting and being jealous little bitches, dude. Ok? Remember, there is no 'i' in team, but there is a 'u' in cunt, so don't be little jealous cunts, ok? Let me get the praise and just be satisfied with the fact that you will get the runoff panocha.
— Kenny Powers 
This is me every night dude, just staring at buttholes and getting a buzz on.
— Kenny Powers 
You should also know that my name is not really Steve. It's actually, Kenny. Kenny Powers, I'm a world famous baseball player, I don't think I shared that with you. No, I was using an alias. Steve to me just kinda seems like a name of somebody who has absolutely nothing going on in their life.
— Kenny Powers 
On the long road to grief recovery, don't be surprised you gotta spill a little blood to get shit fixed. Of all great comebacks, somebody usually gets fucked.
— Kenny Powers 
Sometimes, being on the mend can get old real quick, like when you're doing all this awesome shit to show motherfuckers that you're cool now, and one day you figure out that maybe the one person you're truly trying to fix yourself for has moved the fuck on. And there you are, left in the midst of a battle that suddenly means nothing.
— Kenny Powers 
You really want me to make some noise? Then noise you shall see.
— Kenny Powers 
Well, since you're turning this living room into your own personal quarters, maybe you should make it comfortable? This has been a traumatic experience for you, dude. You've been through a lot. Maybe you should get a flat-screen TV. Don't skimp and get the Vizio, get what you deserve. Get the Sony.
— Kenny Powers 
Don't get all excited, dude. 3D is gay. Nobody wants to sit on a couch, wearing glasses, popping bubbles out of the air like some sorta fucked up Ray Charles. Oh, you like 3D? Well here's a burrito, coming right at ya!
— Kenny Powers 
I'm about one slow hump away from finally being over April. I want to knock that out before we get too many worshipers, you got it?
— Kenny Powers 
In America, people fucking hate soccer, and honestly, that's the way it should be. You kinda like soccer? I'm gunna pretend you didn't just make my dick go soft. Yeah, no. It's totally soft. I think it's just gone back inside of me with that... No, don't talk about soccer.
— Kenny Powers 
Well, it's no mystery that ass has always been tits greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.
— Kenny Powers 
Alright, same rules as last time: No catching feelings. I'm damaged goods, so you will have my body but you will not have my heart. Please don't expect it.
— Kenny Powers 
Her son? You came out of her vagina? I was all up in that shit last night!
— Kenny Powers 
I was wondering if I'd feel bad, you know, if.. uh.. You know, not that I'm an emotional person, but with blowing my load after finding out that April was married to someone else, would it hurt? It was actually, pretty fucking awesome. You should have seen the size of her ass. It was fucking incredible. It was like a goddamn hot air balloon right in front of me. I went 'pthht' all over the thing as soon as I saw it.
— Kenny Powers 
You know, I don't love the idea of her having a kid. Makes you kinda feel like her uterus is used up.
— Kenny Powers 
Listen man, pull our head out of your ass. Alright, dipshit? This is important. I didn't just come to Mexico to get drunk and fuck prostitutes. I mean, you know... I came here for that, but I also came here for something else, too.
— Kenny Powers 
Finally, all the pieces are falling together. All the answers I've been searching for are on the verge of totally being answered. I put in the goddamn man hours, fucking muscles, sweats, tears... Now it's my turn. I got this country wet. Now it's time to bend this bitch over and make her come.
— Kenny Powers 
It's like goddamn Cocktoberfest in here. I'm excited too, but let's not touch dicks, alright?
— Kenny Powers 
I'm wearing all black. Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.
— Kenny Powers 
Capish? You don't even know what capish means, do you? That's 'cause that's Russian.
— Kenny Powers 
Just 'shhh' alright? No need to fucking bicker. At one point, both y'all were my bitches, so it's fine. You can bond on that. You don't have to be at eachother's throats.
— Kenny Powers 
Chapter 10: Making the world your bitch. Once again, I'm with the hottest chick in town, buying the most expensive fashions, dining in the fanciest food places, riding around on goddam jet-skis, raining trim, hallucinogens, jet-skis again, throwing heat and getting laid. Did this tale end the way I thought it would? Probably not. But as long as I win, who gives a shit?
— Kenny Powers 
Prancing? Roger, name one time when I've ever fucking pranced here, dude. Kenny Powers doesn't prance. You fucking prance around here.
— Kenny Powers 
Fuck you, you poor sport. Take a beer and shut the fuck up.
— Kenny Powers 
I like to butt fuck fine ladies. Will I chokehold a bitch, well maybe.
— Kenny Powers 
Awe, Vita! Why would you do this to me? Here this whole time I thought you were the whore with a heart of gold! Instead you're a whore with a regular whore's heart!
— Kenny Powers 
Oh my god. Am I the only person not fucking something tonight?
— Kenny Powers 
Who ordered the whore? WWhheeww-heeww! Pizza and pussy!
— Kenny Powers 
I can't believe I opened up my heart to that bitch. Opened it wide up. She just squatted with that big beautiful booty and dumped all over it.
— Kenny Powers 
Turns out I got a goddamn step-mom and a fucking Navajo half-brother.
— Kenny Powers 
What are you making, a piñata penis pump?
— Kenny Powers 
Man, our bond is just making so much sense to me now. It's just like... I'm seriously into Jet-skis and the experience they offer is very similar to the ATVs, except that it's on water. I've actually had multiple orgasms on jet-skis. Maybe it's something in our blood that we can just, you know, get hard from riding bad ass terrain vehicles... water crafts.
— Kenny Powers 
Truth be told, things aren't going as good for me as I led on to believe. Love of my live married some other dude, and my new girlfriend fed her pussy to the owner of the baseball team I just quit. I stole homeboy's car, and now I'm probably a wanted fucking fugitive.
— Kenny Powers 
The good thing about getting over depression is, well, you can start to see your enemies more clearly. Suddenly, everyone isn't an obstacle, just some people are, and it might be someone who is in your bloodline, distant and as brown as their skin may be, they still are a part of you. I'm not saying this from a personal experience, I'm just saying in general, if you find someone you don't like in your family, it's perfectly acceptable to fuck them over.
— Kenny Powers 
Get some rest. I've got a full day of outdoing Casper and bonding with my father.
— Kenny Powers 
It's time I take my dad's advice. Stop thinking about other people... start thinking about me for once.
— Kenny Powers 
Does the Pope blow little kids?
— Kenny Powers 
This is crazy as shit. Here after all this time, two journeymen, father and son, getting high as hell in Mexico. Just smoking herb and riding around on recreational vehicles. I feel like this is how I was always meant to live. I been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and seeing how well me and you are reconnecting, I was thinking about sticking around here for a while. Cause I love you dad. I don't usually say 'love' to other dudes, that's something that's not really on my docket of shit to do, but for some reason it just feels normal to say it to you, Pop. I like it. I could fucking sit here and just talk about love all goddamn day.
— Kenny Powers 
Oh, you're getting a little fucking paranoid? Ol' Pop's getting stoned like a fourteen year old, scared thinking the fucking cops are coming... Who the fuck is this? Oh, the cops are coming for real?
— Kenny Powers 
Crazy. Here I grew up a whole entire world away from you, and end up exactly like you. A lyin', cheatin', backstabbing gigolo.
— Kenny Powers 
I got two hard rules I live by, Pop: I don't fuck with the devil and I never do tag-teams with blood relatives.
— Kenny Powers 
I'd stay away from ass-to-mouth. You don't know how it's going to affect her immune system.
— Kenny Powers 
How the hell do people think that just because we're in Mexico that it's totally cool to come into somebody's house and wait for them unannounced?
— Kenny Powers 
It's going to take more than a goddamn speak-and-spell to win yourself into the good graces of Kenny Powers.
— Kenny Powers 
You're gonna pull that Bruce Lee shit with me I'll steal that sword from you like a goddamn child and fuck you with it.
— Kenny Powers 
Well look at this... a goddamn Mexican standoff in fucking Mexico. I was hoping to get into one of these before I left.
— Kenny Powers 
I know what you're talking about. I used to be just like you yesterday... Sad inside, compensating by acting like a fucking cock sucker. But I saw the light, dude, I've changed. Well... well, I went on a personal quest and faced my demons, but for you, the change can be a lot easier. Let me back on the team for one more game. There's a scout coming and I intend on fucking his world up with my skills. Or, we can finish this duel and murder each other.
— Kenny Powers 
If I can fucking nail this goddamn baseball shit tonight I'm going back to America a goddamn champion. I'm fucking three days away from sucking on some big ol' titties!
— Kenny Powers 
Did you hurt my feelings? Yes, you did. I will give you that victory. But the one victory you will not have is the most important. I'll admit, that sweet tailpipe of yours did have me charmed. It put a spell on me. But all the ass-magic in Mexico can't change Kenny Powers from his core beliefs. Not an ass man. I'm a tit man. I like big ass boobs. Now, and forever. I'm not like a black guy, Vida.
— Kenny Powers 
We both knew this wasn't going to last forever. You're like the girl the Godfather fucked back in Italy. You know, what we had was important, but the real deal is waiting for me back at home.
— Kenny Powers 
I'm genuinely am sorry. I brought you guys up from less than fucking nothing and took you up to a championship level, only to leave you high and dry. Naked and nude. Prey. Easy targets for the competitions to rape and butt-fuck you. I'm sorry for that.
— Kenny Powers 
Don't get too cocky, Roger. That's probably because there is a little residual Kenny Powers pixie dust floating around all your little heads. Let's face it guys, after midnight, this whole fucking place turns into a pumpkin. And you guys all turn back into mice. This is a classic Cinderella tale, here. You know, Peter Pan will no longer be a man. He'll turn into a real boy. George Washington will never be able to cut down the beanstalk, and you guys will eventually just go back to being the shittiest Mexican baseball team in Mexico. These are the hard realities, guys. Life is not a fairy tale. Although, sometimes it feels like our world is full of fairies. You know who I'm talking about. I still accept you, brother. Purity. It's what we all desire. And it's what I've come here to share with you, hence the all whites. We can do some fucking great things tonight, you guys. Follow me. Walk with me out onto that field. And when you do, you fucking put your ass out and you raise your fucking head up. Know that you'll never ever, ever, reach the heights you'll reach tonight. That you can leave here knowing that you helped Kenny Powers' dreams come true. For a bunch of Mexican baseball players, that ain't too bad.
— Kenny Powers 
See ya, Juanito. Take care of those warts.
— Kenny Powers 
The game ball. Thanks. Roger. I'll put this with my collection of personal achievements. I mean, not right next to the good shit, but still.
— Kenny Powers 
Too hot for hugs, here. I've been battling the war on swamp ass since I been down here.
— Kenny Powers 
If that's what it takes, then a cock and dream it will be... sucked upon. Let's suck my dream's dick!
— Kenny Powers 
Just like that, the journey is over. Depression is finished and you're on your way back to the world of the living, smiling, regular people. The road has been paved with dick-heads, back-stabbers, and pains in the fucking ass. But, memories were made, allies were had, pole-smokers were toppled, and the truth was discovered. And like any journey, if you stay the course long enough, the road might just show you what you need. All you got to do is keep your eyes on the road and you foot on the fucking gas.
— Kenny Powers 
Whenever I look at a Mexican, I will think of you. Whenever you look at that jackass, you think of me.
— Kenny Powers 
I don't think we ever really got over that language barrier. What the fuck? You speak English? You've spoke English the whole time I've been here? Five years old? Whheew! You don't look a day over a hundred and ten. All the talks we could have had! All the wisdom you could have shared! Crazy I find this out right now, soon as I'm leaving this fucking country.
— Kenny Powers