Smashing a brick through a dude's window is nothing compared to the things I've done. I've killed people.

Oh, well excuse me for being a fucking businessman, Dustin. Maybe you could learn something instead of just criticizing. Or, you know what? Just stay good at what you're doing, which is, I guess, being poor.

Look at that. Do you see that? That's where my dick goes through.

I've been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.

People often ask me, 'Kenny, what are your weaknesses? Do you have any?' I would say that my biggest flaw, my achilles heel, is my tireless work ethic.

People say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That's not true. I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em. Not even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.

I never got into the Native American mythology. You can smoke the peace pipe till your dick falls off, but I'm not dancin with any wolves no matter how high I get. Not that I get high, but if i did my shit would still believe in our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

If there's one thing I hate it's losing. If there's two things I hate it it's losing and getting cancer.

Yeah, nice job making three bucks a week, you dipshit. Sell weed, you'll make more money.

Besides getting shot in the back of the head, do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school. I'm not making that up.

Alright fine. We'll lower the price of the bat, but I'm not going to budge on the baby pillow. Anyone who wouldn't pay that price is a fucking idiot. It's a goddamn steal.

Yeah, I'm pretty much re-engineering man's approach to pitching, if you want to get down to brass tacks.

Ask anybody out there, and they'll tell you that the foundation of a great baseball player starts with an understanding of some basic fundamentals. Running, stretching, physical conditioning. These are the things that prepare your body for the many challenges a baseball player faces. I heard that bullshit thrown at me all my damn life. You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless.

This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program, and I was all like, 'You and your weights can fuck off somewhere. I'm not lifting that shit. It's heavy. You tell me why I need strength training when I'm strong enough to throw a goddamn 100 mile per hour pitch? Fuck that.

See, in life, when you have talent all the other shit doesn't matter. If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.

You can train all you want. You can work on your catchin' and your throwin' and your runnin'. Hell, it might even be enough to get you into the majors. But, in order to be a standout, and all-star, a champion, you need more than hard work and dedication. You need something that you can't work for. You need a blessing from God Almighty.