Kenny Powers Quotes from Season 1

When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom. Multi-million dollar deals. Endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking canon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm. But a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain't no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion.

I'm sick and tired for carrying all the weight... the coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win. Atlanta, you're fucking out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Let's find a bar and get shit-faced. Get me paid, Bitch! Superstar!

I got to tell you, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad, but turns out they're nothing compared to these fags you got in San Francisco.

You boys ever tag team anybody? Beat up any kids in your neighborhood? When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers that used to live down the street from us. Hilarious. I mean, this guy was the most ruthless one. Now, I'm sitting here, he's got a family. He's got a nice shirt on. Mongoloid Mike? Is that what you used to call him? Bust his head open with a stick? Remember that?

Y'all named your daughter after fucking Titanic? Wow. You've got to be shitting me. What's his name? Fucking Shrek? No, huh?

Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball; I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So, that is why I'm better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.

Ooohhh... I recognize your scent. Do you recognize my essence? Yeah? Yeah, that feels familiar? I think I'm going to need to change my pants. I'm just playing, I didn't come in my pants.

I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising. Fuck this guy.

Oh, you think that's funny? How about I show you my balls right here and you can tell me if they shrunk, huh? No, for your information I have full sized balls.

No, babe, rehab. No, I didn't hurt myself. Oh, ok. Yeah, I hurt myself. I hurt my nose.

You know what? I can already tell that I don't like you, and I'm probably not going to like you no matter now many pull-ups or push-ups you do. If anybody wants to pick on anybody in class, aim for him because I ain't watching.

Sorry, nothing. I've had a lot of memories and sometimes I have to dump the small ones to make room for the bigger ones. But sometimes, when you try to dump the smaller ones, you think they're gone but they're not. They're sitting there, waiting to pick up exactly where they left off. No matter if there are new memories standing in their way or not.

Alright, so let me get this straight. So I'm gonna pay for a blow job, and I gotta pay for a goddamned hotel room too? Well that seems like I'm spending too much money for nothin'. I got a house. You can just get your ass over here and I could just do the blow job here. And can I wear the 'SCREAM' mask? The mask from 'SCREAM'... when I do you from behind. Hello? Hey!

I'm very upset with how I'm acting right now. I just have a very hard time expressing my emotions and I can't stop from yelling. So, I'm very sorry, I don't mean to offend you Wayne, you have fucking pissed me off, but I'm just very upset right now. So, I'm going to go ahead and go, but I'm not going to stop yellin' because then that'll mean I lost the fight.

I'm going to Shabooms!

A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant star. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.

You want to know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper, and if Montel Williams wants to talk shit some more then he can go fuck himself because those charges were dropped.

Sure, I've been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I'm not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism.

Hey, Dustin! Look at me! I'm a fucking icon! Man, fuck your siding. God's taken a dump on my face. Love of my life doesn't want to have sex with me because she's getting married to some smoothie eating fairy. Only job opp I got is teaching a bunch of fucking piss-pants how to tie their shoes! This is me, Dustin. Take a picture.

Wow. I mean, you just nailed it. You just hit it on the head. You're saying I need to get back on top again. Yeah, man. I got to remember that I'm a winner, man. I need to remember that I AM better than everybody else. Fuck man, I'm a bullet-proof tiger, dude, and if everyone in this town has forgot who I am, then maybe it's time I remind 'em. Maybe it's time I remind everyone just who the fuck Kenny Powers is.

Hello. School, can you hear me? Good morning, students, teachers, faculty members, lunch ladies, janitors. This is Kenny Powers, professional baseball player, and I got something I wanna say. A lot of you motherfuckers think you know who Kenny Powers is. Well, I'm here today to tell y'all you don't know shit. There comes a time in every man's life when he's got to take a look at himself in a mirror and decide just exactly who he is. Well, I've come to that crossroads and I've decided. Kenny Powers is a man. Kenny Powers is an athlete. Kenny Powers is a lover. But the most he is, I mean, the thing that Kenny Powers is the most, is a goddamn champion. And the one thing a champion does not do is fucking quit. A true champion faces his enemies and he conquers them. And that is why I'm here today to tell you all that Kenny Powers is officially accepting the position of PE Coach here at Jefferson Davis Middle School. That is, until the majors call me back up. So, let's get the teaching on!

Now then, I think you're body's awesome. You've got great tits. But, I'm a little concerned about your bill of health. I'm going to insist upon you using some sort of protection. I've got a dental dam in the globe compartment of my truck. You can just grab that. It's a rubber for your mouth. It's not that big of a deal, OK? And besides, it's not just for my protection. You don't know what shit I got either.

I broke that birdbath for you cause I knew you hated it, cause we're the same. I hate that fucking thing too. A stork, wrapped around a tree branch, that's the stupidest thing I've ever seen before. You know that's how the plague started, back in the day. It was from a little disgusting birdbath in someone's backyard that rats some made sex to birds in it and created a whole new type of AIDS.

One time I was invited to come to a social gathering. I was paid a hansom amount of money and I brought a shotgun and a bottle of Tanqueray and showed those people the best fucking time they've ever seen.

The humongous part about being a celebrity is cashing in on it-- making shitloads of money, having expensive, luxurious things. That way, in case one day you're not famous, you can still be rich as hell and better than everyone around you.

How much will y'all give me if I slam dunk this thing into the trashcan?

This is a real job, it's not like teaching kids. I can't get fucked up.

Where were you? I told you to wait in the car. Why is there silver shit all over your face? Doing what? Giving Robocop a blowjob?

I gotta come clean, babe. There is one image in my life that consistently makes me happy no matter when I think about it, and that image, that one image, is your big tits.

This is about me loving you... for real. And not in a 'just to make me come' kinda way. In a real way.

Funny thing, when you're on top of the world, every motherfucker wants to get a piece of your ass. But then, you take a little time off from being unstoppable just to regroup and relax, no one will give you the time of day. This face used to cash fucking checks. And this dick... wwheeewww.... I guess Kenny Powers ain't what he used to be.

Smashing a brick through a dude's window is nothing compared to the things I've done. I've killed people.

Oh, well excuse me for being a fucking businessman, Dustin. Maybe you could learn something instead of just criticizing. Or, you know what? Just stay good at what you're doing, which is, I guess, being poor.

Look at that. Do you see that? That's where my dick goes through.

I've been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.

People often ask me, 'Kenny, what are your weaknesses? Do you have any?' I would say that my biggest flaw, my achilles heel, is my tireless work ethic.

People say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That's not true. I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em. Not even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.

I never got into the Native American mythology. You can smoke the peace pipe till your dick falls off, but I'm not dancin with any wolves no matter how high I get. Not that I get high, but if i did my shit would still believe in our lord and savior Jesus Christ.

If there's one thing I hate it's losing. If there's two things I hate it it's losing and getting cancer.

Yeah, nice job making three bucks a week, you dipshit. Sell weed, you'll make more money.

Besides getting shot in the back of the head, do you know what else Abraham Lincoln did? He was a champion wrestler in high school. I'm not making that up.

Alright fine. We'll lower the price of the bat, but I'm not going to budge on the baby pillow. Anyone who wouldn't pay that price is a fucking idiot. It's a goddamn steal.

Yeah, I'm pretty much re-engineering man's approach to pitching, if you want to get down to brass tacks.

Ask anybody out there, and they'll tell you that the foundation of a great baseball player starts with an understanding of some basic fundamentals. Running, stretching, physical conditioning. These are the things that prepare your body for the many challenges a baseball player faces. I heard that bullshit thrown at me all my damn life. You know what Kenny Powers says? Fundamentals are the crutch for the talentless.

This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program, and I was all like, 'You and your weights can fuck off somewhere. I'm not lifting that shit. It's heavy. You tell me why I need strength training when I'm strong enough to throw a goddamn 100 mile per hour pitch? Fuck that.

See, in life, when you have talent all the other shit doesn't matter. If we were on an island with no weights and no running drills, who would be on top then? The guy with the talent.

You can train all you want. You can work on your catchin' and your throwin' and your runnin'. Hell, it might even be enough to get you into the majors. But, in order to be a standout, and all-star, a champion, you need more than hard work and dedication. You need something that you can't work for. You need a blessing from God Almighty.

Clegg, this is to get back into the majors. Me sitting around smoking weed is awesome, but it's not going to be what necessarily a team manager's going to be looking for.

Clegg, you got my shit? Why is it in a ziplock bag? Are these mushrooms? Clegg, I'm talking about my fucking steroids, man.

She don't know shit. Sitting here, waving around her cervix like it's the hottest ticket in town.

You should see my fucking cookouts, man. When I was back in Seattle, I had the goddamn Spoonman from the Soundgarden videos coming to my shit. Oh, yeah. I'm talking six grills burning at all times. Tiki Torches. Three whole pigs. Fucking shitloads of macaroni and cheeses. Baked potatoes. Collared greens. A horse. Fucking Puerto Rican chicks showing their pussies and tits off everywhere. They were amazing.

What did I tell you? I said put something nice on. You look like a busted Daytona stripper in that shit. Listen, I don't want no pussy-getting-wet dresses for this cookout. This needs to be a normal, evening outfit that regular people would wear.

Now, I know you're not a natural beauty, but I think the right clothes and the right look you could be very striking.

Oh, what do I know? I know that one of us had their own personal stylist and one of us shoplifts their shit from Fashion Bug. That's what I know.

Honey, I love you. I think you're a terrific girl. But you have clothes like a fucking dickhead.

Lovely? Her? Cutler, this is Tracey. Tracy, Cutler. He's my boss, so don't try to suck him off.

What the fuck are you wearing? I'm wearing all black. I don't like it. Find a way to change yourself for me.

Decent cookout, April. I don't believe you've met my fuck-buddy, Tracey. She's actually a professional runway model. She's also a very, very famous painter in France. Yup, she has several works of fine art hanging up in the Loove-ray.

So in closing, I'd like to give big ups to God, Buddha, L. Ron, whoever. Hell, maybe I just need to thank me. If there's one thing I've learned through all my adventures and conquests is that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great. I just am great. I'm not trying to sound cocky, or full of myself. But, Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way, he will always be great. Because that's just they way shit works sometimes.

I don't know what's going on, man. I'm just all jammed up inside. Lost my abilities. Been stripped of all my God given talents. Including, the talents to be able to have sex with any woman I choose, or to throw a fucking ball fast, or to not prematurely come in my pants. Sometimes I just don't know which one hurts the most. I'm ashamed of myself.

I'm not crying, Dustin. It's just this stupid pollen. It's in my eyes and making them fucking water. Just go away from me, Dustin.

When my as was 34 years old, I quit professional baseball. I haven't played professionally for several years now. But in my heart, I quit for real this time. Tonight. It's time I accept the fact that the glory days of my life are now behind me. Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space and now I'm back and nobody gives a shit. Therefore, I will now settle into this new life. I'll find new ways in which to use this arm. I will take my current responsibilities seriously, and try to do them the best that I possibly can. And realizing that the love of my life has chosen another, I will move forward without her. I do all these things not because I want to, but because I have to. From this moment forward, Kenny Powers is just like everyone else. Normal, not special. No hopes, or dreams. Pretending to be happy when he's really super sad. Just an average guy, with exceptional hair. Nothing more, and nothing less. From this moment forward, the People's Champion, the Shelby Sensation, the Reverse Apache Master, the Man with the Golden Dick, Doctor Cock and Balls-- that Kenny Powers is now dead. And he will never pick up a baseball ever fucking again.

Kenny Powers days of burning ass are done. And that's not a homosexual reference.

I just figured I might as well look the part. Just a normal regular teacher with no hopes or dreams. Absolutely nothing. Just waiting to die. Just like you guys.

I'm just like you now Dustin, just kinda calm and weak.

Hey, nothing, you city bitch.

I'm about to have a fuckin' panic attack. I need four Xanax and two Miller Lights.

I don't cry, motherfucka.

Clegg, you got those fucking 'roids? Well what is it dude? Don't keep me in suspense. I've got a fucking duel to go to. Clegg! Oxycotton? Man, I'm not trying to get fucked up, I'm trying to strike this motherfucker out! ... Clegg, wait. I didn't mean I didn't want some for later.

Think it'll keep fresh in my sock?

It's just that we were there, and then we were... we were touching each other and then... I saw those tits, and then I started feeling your ass, and I started breathing heavy, and I almost got a headache and then my vision started to go all colorful... then I just came in my pants.

You're goddamn right I did. I was aiming for his fucking eye! I got my pitch back!

Oh, believe it! Dreams are coming true! Now no more talking set the mood... Ok, wait... wait... wait, I know I said no more talking, but I got one more thing to say. This is probably the best day of my life. I just thought you should know that before you go any further. Ok, now get naked.

Fuck me. This is seriously like the best wave of good shit that has ever happened in my whole entire life. I knock out Mackworthy's eye, then I get to see April's big ass tits and have sex to her. It's like all of the horrible disgusting shit I had to put up with here is finally paying off.

Well, to tell you the truth, I've changed a lot since I left baseball. Learned a lot of lessons and shit. I'm pretty much, in a lot of ways, a brand new man. But, yeah. That stuff is still all the same.

I'm ready to fucking butt-fuck this party! Let's fucking fuck eachother! Yeah.... That's going too far. These are my nephews. That's not funny to fuck kids.

Fuck all that fine Cuban pussy. Your olive skin bests that any day of the week.

If you need me, I'll be cruising in my Escelade... my Denali.

The amount of money I'm gonna be making would hurt your parents feelings. You remember the class where I taught you all how to make it rain? That's what I'm going to be doing every, single night. Dollar, dollar bills, y'all.

My replacement comes very highly qualified. And please, please, please don't let the fact that Miss Carol is a lesbian put you off to her. You know how you all think there's two kinds of lesbians? There's the kind on Cinimax that get it on and are really hot, and there's the mean kind? Miss Carol is neither of those.

Before I go, I don't want to leave you empty handed, I'm going to be signing a personalized headshot for each and every one of you. The only thing I would ask is that you would have your name prepared, because I don't want to have to ask the same question thirty fucking times.

When I'm gone, you need to look after this place, man. I mean, this is our home town. This shithole helped shape us. You must guard it and protect its royal vagina.

I have enjoyed getting fucked up with you here, Clegg. It's crazy, man, how our journey here is basically coming to an end. You know, I'm going on to fucking bigger and better things, and you're gonna probably just stick around back here just... just still doing... you know, the... the stuff that you're doing. The time spent with you is crucial to me getting through all the bullshit I needed to get through. I'll always be in debt to you. You know, I hope that there's some way I can pay you back for what you've done for me here.

April, I know all this. But I do like hearing it, so go on.

Listen here you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.

Look Cutler, I know you must be torn up knowing that I had sex with your fiancee. Look, there's something else you should know as well... Look, you win. I asked her to come with me to Tampa, and she said no. She said that she had a life here. So, you got her.

You won, motherfucker. You won.

No offense, but... You got a shitty job, you're not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you... Now, me on the other hand, I got the glory. I get the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg. Basically, all the shit that most men fantasize about. But you get April.

I'm sorry, Cutler. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to kiss on her pussy, your fiancee. That happened, too. I guess that's just the way this fucked up world works.

When I first met you, I'll be honest with you, you were a little bitch. But now, I'm looking at you... To me, you seem like a dude who knows what's up. You don't take shit from anybody, you smoke weed on the reg. Quite frankly, you're somebody I'm proud to know. And you're somebody who deserves a whole hell of a lot more than just being an assistant.

Today I'm here for you, Jefferson Davis Middle. Being a man of my stature, walking in here on day one was the lowest point of my life. But now, I realize that God had a purpose. God wanted to show me hell so that when I got back to heaven, I would finally appreciate it. And for that, I would like to thank each and every one of you. Because, without that knowledge, without that lesson, I never would have been able to..... What the fuck man, I'm trying to give a memorable speech here.

Remember me, Jefferson Davis Middle. I was your savior. I was your knight in shining armor. And each of you, were the chinks in upon my armor. Each of you were the chinks! You all were the chinks! Remember me, my chinks. Remember me! Remember me!

Alright, you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, you know the second drawer where I keep my weed? Underneath the handgun there's a stack of porn that will put calluses on those little hands of yours.